Snark Attacks: Heroes 301 and 302

[It should go without saying that this post contains SPOILERS about Heroes episodes 301 and 302.]

Maybe I will make "Snark Attacks" a regular "feature" on The Boringest Site. As the inaugural (and perhaps final?) Snark Attacks entry, I present a snarky critique of the premier of Heroes Season 3.

Before I begin, I should clarify something: I don't dislike the show. I'm not a huge fan of it (I don't care for its the soap opera aspects and general campiness), but I don't dislike it. I kid because I care! ;) However, if Mr. Entity didn't watch it, I would not watch it either.

I should also disclose that I saw episode #1 when it premiered at Comic-Con, so I've had all summer to sharpen my snark. ;)

Now, with that out of the way...

We begin with Peter being attacked by Dark Claire (tm). What's with the outfit? Did she have to go into hiding in a BDSM club? "No one will EVER think to look for me here!" ?? I mean, really. Why does ANYONE think black leather is suitable for running around town? I really hope, when it's revealed at the end of the season (I assume) WHY she's shooting Peter, she has a darn good reason for that outfit.

But for that matter, why is she bothering to shoot Peter? Isn't he, like, invulnerable?

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Um, Peter was Nathan's shooter? WTF? I'm sure there will be a "good" explanation for this.

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If Hiro plays with time enough, won't he start aging, compared to his peers? He's going to be an old man by the time Ando is 30!

I thought Hiro's sister was taking over the family business? Granted, it's not clear what exactly Hiro's job is, but since he's in SuluDad's old office, that kinda implies he's got significant powers and/or duties.

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OMG SYLAR SHOWED UP AT CLAIRE'S DOOR!!!11!1!!!1!oneone

Mr. Entity: "What house in California has shutters...as a plot device, even?"

Mr. Entity: "All Claire has to do is throw herself at a window, and she'll be fine. And look, there's a window! What kind of shutter keeps out Claire?"

CLAIRE!! Look...out...behind...you!!

What kind of flimsy closet door keeps out Determined Sylar? 'Sides, if he's planning to steal Claire's healing power, he should NOT be afraid of injuring himself to get to her!

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How and when did Maya meet up with Mohinder?

Ok, Mohinder spent the entire 2 seasons researching powers, and now...in 2 seconds...he's figured this all out?

Ahh, the lizard terrarium, an oft-overlooked security device. Much more secure than safes.

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Speaking of safes...

Ahh, the oft-used secure safe, opened with a SINGLE BUTTON. SuluDad should've hidden that formula in Mohinder's terrarium.

"I asked you not to open the safe." Ok, that was pretty funny.

OMG SOMEONE TOOK TEH FORMULA! At least the bit with the woman -- the "speedster" -- had a cool effect. I wonder how long she was camping out near Hiro's office, waiting for him to open the safe he wasn't supposed to open? Was she stalking the delivery person who brough him the DVD with SuluDads' message?

Whoa, she just informed Hiro that she moves "really fast". That must be the scientific explanation.

I wonder how much she has to eat every day.

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Poor Matt. :(

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Huh. Apparently, when Nathan heals, his hair also gets styled, too.

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Wow, Mohinder has a very sophisticated lab in his grungy POS apartment. And now he suddenly, immediately can GIVE powers to people? AND HE THINKS THIS IS A GOOD IDEA? ??? He's an odd combination of smart and stupid; he has an INT of 20 but a WIS of -2.

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Poor Claire. :(

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Claire, as Sylar examines her brain: "Are you going to eat it?"

Sylar: "Eat your brain? Claire, that's disgusting!"

ROFL.

Eww, Claire scalp.

Claire, of COURSE he's not going to kill you. You're SPESHUL! Besides, you have the "plot flag" checked on your character sheet. Mr. Entity: "And now Sylar has enabled God Mode."

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zOMG LINDERMAN!!!!1!

They better have a good explanation for this.

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Hey! Captain Sheridan! ;)

Ok, they better have a good explanation for Nessica showing up.

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Poor Matt. :(

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Ok, now we are watching Hiro as he witnesses the future catastrophy. Wow, The Hero (tm) gets betrayed by his Trusted Sidekick (tm). What will they think of next?

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Now, Mohinder is at the docks, debating what to do with his serum.

Mr. Entity: "What if some fish gets ahold of it?" ... "And this week's 'Dumb As Mohinder' Award..." (Mr. Entity found that phrase on this blog, I believe.)

As Mohinder stands dramatically at the docks, debating whether to inject hismelf, the electric guitars in the background music give the scene a very classy touch.

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Mr. Entity, as Mohinder attacks some thugs: "Mohinder goes ninja!" ... "Ah, the infamous 30 Foot Chuck." (Mr. Entity picked that up from either Kryptonsite or Smallville DVD commentary.)

Oh look, the same symbol that Matt saw in the desert is behind Mohinder. What were the odds?

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Hmm, after her encounter with Sylar, Claire can't seem to feel pain any more. Has Claire suffered BRAIN DAMAGE?

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zOMG, in Mama Petrilli's dream, almost ALL of the main characters are dead. It's a freakin' bloodbath. Doesn't anything happen in moderation?

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Oh, good grief. Mohinder's superpower seems to be not just strength, but Epic Horniness.

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Tonight, on Matt vs. Wild...

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Yay! Elle is back! I know several people find her annoying, but I think she's hilarious. Which reminds me. Elle's mother must be the most beautiful woman in the history of the universe, if Bob produced her.

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Mr. Entity: "Look, it's a Nissan!"

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Oh noes! Has Sylar sucked out Claire's soul?!? That might be even worse than brain damage!

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Claire: "I can heal, but what kind of lame power is that?" Um, yeah, that's really lame. I, uh, hope I never get that stupid, useless power. Ever.

Peter: "I could give you some really useful advice, as your uncle, as one superpowered entity to another. But, it's not yet the appropriate time in the plot, so I must zip away. Have fun suffering on your own."

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Uhoh... Bob isn't answering Elle. Is he DEAD? ... Yes.

Uhoh... is Sylar going to kill Elle? Or is he going to be an Evil Overlord and let her live, so she can SUFFER?

Oh, he was going to try to kill her.

(Meanwhile, how did Noah get in that cell, anyway? Didn't we leave off with him getting a transfusion of Claire's blood?)

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Nathan: "I've been asked to fill the seat left by senator Dickinson" (or somesuch), aka, "I've been given a deal by the devil."

Whoa, Evil Peter finally reveals himself.

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Nathan, to Tranessica: He wants her on his side, because he wants an ALLY? Did I hear that right? Is he an idiot?

Wow, Tranessica has a new power: freezing people. She's, like, an Ice Queen. (Tee hee, the reporter jokingly called her that earlier in the episode, and it was TRUE but he didn't know it!)

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Ew, Mohinder has icky welts on his back.

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Poor Matt. :(

Wow, Matt can talk to animals? Cool! ... WHOA! THATS NO TURTLE!

Oh crap, Matt is in AFRICA? ... "Should've gone with Sprint"? Puh-leez. ...

Ahh, someone else who can paint the future.

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Nathan: "It's going to be different this time." HA HA HA HA HA.

Wow, Linderman is only visible to Nathan? That reminds me of Baltar seeing his own personal Cylon Six! Does that mean Linderman is a Cylon? OMG! IS LINDERMAN THE 5th CYLON???!?!

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Noah is letting Claire's pyromaniac mom watch over her? Is he an idiot?

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Mama Petrilli, to Sylar: "I can give you what all boys crave from their mothers." Ewww!

...Is she actually Sylar's biomom?!?!? And they say nerds don't watch soaps!

What is this woman's motivation? Fight chaos with even more chaos? Next week's preview indicates that Sylar is Noah's partner, and presumably they're going to track down the bad people with powers who escaped from section 5. Hasn't it occurred to her that Sylar will just take their powers and become a super evil juggernaut of destruction? Or is that, like, her cunning plan?

I'm wondering how it is possible that Nathan is alive, since he was apparently dead, and Linderman's power seems to be able to only heal living tissue, as opposed to dead tissue. Assuming it really was Linderman's power that "healed" Nathan. Was Nathan only NEARLY dead? Just resting? Pining for the fjords?

Or... has Nathan developed a new power: being a ZOMBIE? This makes perfect sense: Nathan is a zombie. Zombies eat brains. Sylar needs brains. Sylar might be Nathan's half-brother. Therefore, by the transitive power of superpowers, Nathan must have Sylar's power, too! Or, perhaps by the inverse power of superpowers, Nathan is now IMMUNE to Sylar's power: Nathan, as a Zombie, needs brains, which implies something is wrong with his, which implies that Sylar can't use Nathan's brain, which means that Sylar can't kill Nathan! This ALSO means that there will be an epic battle between Sylar and Zombie Nathan, culminating in Sylar starving to death.